You've begun a long journey on your way to
giving birth. The bleakness you saw before is
becoming light. You've made selfless decisions,
and you'll make more. Because of you, a child
will soon be born. No one can predict how many
people your child will help.
"Crisis" comes from a Greek word which means
a discerning. You've faced a crisis and
survived. Your crisis has helped you discern who
you are and who you can be. You can never return
to the you of before.
You may not be happy with the way your life
has turned out to this point. Perhaps you feel
that there has to be more to living than what
you've experienced or felt. Maybe you want
things to improve for you and your baby. You can
find the peace you're looking for.
BEING A POSITIVE PERSON
You can begin to find peace by deciding to be
a positive thinker. Remember the ideas in
Chapter Two? They work! Build your confidence by
thinking positively, by exercising to release
your stress, and by doing activities that you
enjoy. Know your limits. You don't have to say
"yes" to every request for your time or talents.
Know what you can do, and do what you can. Avoid
stressful situations the way you'd avoid the
flu!
Be especially aware of those who surround
you. Look for optimistic friends. Avoid the
negative thinkers, complainers, and depressing
personalities. Their attitudes are contagious,
and they'll make you depressed. Be alert to
people who will use or abuse you or who
constantly belittle you and your ideas.
Associate with those who will increase your
self-confidence, not erase it.
Usually you can find positive thinkers in
community or religious groups, most often those
providing service to others. When you begin to
help those less fortunate than you, your own
problems gain perspective. Helping others will
also make you feel better about your own
abilities.
Take time to be alone and to relax. Reading a
good inspirational book, going on a quiet walk,
or listening to soothing music may give you
perspective and help you think more positively.
Remember to live one day at a time. Do your
best today. Worry about tomorrow when tomorrow
comes.
COUNSELING
You may have some deep, emotional problems
that have never been faced. These problems may
have started with an abusive childhood or
relationship or when peers rejected you. Perhaps
you hurt yourself through substance abuse,
sexual excess, self-harm, or extreme rebellion.
You may not like the way you feel but not know
how to change.
Counseling is a good way to get to know the
root of your problems and grow through them to
become a mature, happy person. Insurance
companies sometimes pay for counseling performed
by licensed psychologists or psychiatrists. If
you have no insurance and you cannot afford to
pay professionals, call a local
government-sponsored mental health center. These
centers often provide counseling on a sliding
fee scale, which is set up according to what you
can afford to pay.
Remember that some clergy are excellent
professional counselors, too, and their fees are
usually reasonable. A local association of
clergy or churches or synagogues may be able to
refer you to clergy counselors.
Be certain that the counselor you choose is
in agreement with your decision to have your
baby. Deal with your baby through a PREGNANCY
AIDgency and use a professional counselor to
help you deal with yourself.
THE TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM OF SELF-HELP GROUPS
Self-help groups generally form to help their
members overcome a specific problem in their
lives. Alcoholics Anonymous is probably the most
widely known self help group and follows a
twelve-step program to sobriety. Many other
self-help groups are based on the twelve steps
of Alcoholics Anonymous. By joining one of these
groups and by changing the word "alcohol" in
Step One to whatever compulsion, addiction, or
worry that you are facing, you can follow the
twelve-step program of
Alcoholics Anonymous to a fuller, happier
life.
The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
1. We admitted we were powerless over
alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than
ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our
lives over
to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to
another human being the exact nature of our
wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all
these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our
shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed,
and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever
possible, except when to do so would injure them
or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and
when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to
improve our conscious contact with God, as we
understood Him, praying only for knowledge of
His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the
result of these steps, we tried to carry this
message to alcoholics, and to practice these
principles in all our affairs.*
*The Twelve Steps are reprinted with
permission of
Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
Permission to reprint the steps does not mean
that AA has reviewed or approved the contents of
this publication nor that AA agrees with the
views expressed herein. AA is a program of
recovery from alcoholism. Use of these Twelve
Steps in connection with programs and
activities which are patterned after AA, but
which address other problems, does not imply
otherwise.
Working the twelve-step program takes a
lifetime. Most people take several months just
to work through step one. You need an equally
long time to work up to and achieve the other
steps. Overcoming a lifetime problem will take a
lifetime, so be patient. The twelve-step program
is obviously successful. So many people are
using it every day, and just starting on the
program will bring some positive changes to your
life.
You do not have to be battling the specific
problem of a self-help group in order to be
helped by it. Attend meetings of different
self-help groups. Find one that follows the
twelve-step program and whose members make you
feel comfortable being there. If you can't find
a self-help group, consider starting your own.
If you find a self-help group that follows a
program other than the twelve-step program,
evaluate what you hear and observe. Does the
program seem to work? Do the members seek to
change their unhealthy ways of coping with life
in general, or are they simply present to
support each other in dealing with a specific
crisis, such as suicide of a loved one or death
of a child? Decide if the group can help you,
and stay if it does.
Agencies in Appendix H will help you locate
or start self-help groups in your area.
God in the Twelve-Step Program
You'll notice that the twelve-step program is
based on a belief in the power of God as you
understand God to be. Twelve-step programs do
not advocate a certain religious view. Whether
God is male or female or whether one religion is
"right" in its beliefs is not the point.
Ninety-four percent of United States citizens
believe in God or a universal spirit, according
to the the Princeton Religion Research Center
Gallup Poll. You will find many believers and
seekers in self-help groups.
Sponsors
Most self-help groups based on the
twelve-step program will provide you with a
sponsor, if you request one. A sponsor is a
member of the group who has followed the
twelve-step program for a reasonable period of
time and, by doing so, has successfully managed
the problem addressed by the group. This person
will guide you in your own journey and become a
great friend and adviser. If you want a sponsor
when you join a self-help group, go to many
meetings before choosing one. Get to know the
group members. Choose a sponsor who seems to be
practicing the twelve steps successfully and who
has the inner peace you are seeking for
yourself.
RELIGIOUS PRAYER GROUPS
Many churches, synagogues, and other
religious groups can direct you to prayer groups
or other religious support groups. The members
of these groups most often have a certain
religious orientation. If you practice a
specific faith, seek out a prayer group of that
faith. If you are searching for a faith
experience, call local clergy and ask about
prayer groups and worship services. Find a group
whose members seem kind and helpful and are
practicing their beliefs peacefully and
joyfully.
Prayer groups can be a tremendous help in
crisis. Most of the women who best survive
pregnancy crisis have faith in God. Probably 90
percent of counselors in PREGNANCY AIDgencies
believe in and try to trust God. A prayer group
can help you develop your own faith and work
through your crisis while other people support
your efforts.
Prayer groups will help you develop a
conscious awareness of God through prayer and
meditation. You might be encouraged to read the
Bible, pray daily, or attend religious services.
You'll learn that the members of the prayer
group love and accept you, just the way you are.
So does God. Knowing this will help you forgive
yourself for any poor choices you think you've
made. You'll also learn to forgive others who
have harmed you. You might even have to forgive
God for letting bad things happen to you.
Prayer groups and worship services will help
you understand that God is a real presence that
surrounds you, lives in you, and cares deeply
about you. God is willing to help you, but you
must accept that help. Tell God about your
angers, worries, frustrations, and complaints.
God knows about them anyway.
A Word of Caution
Supportive prayer groups will help you deal
successfully with your life, but those
associated with cults will create more problems
for you. Some cults use prayer groups and Bible
study get-togethers to recruit new members.
Before you join a prayer group, get some
information about it. What person or religious
body sponsors the group? Do the members meet for
regular worship? Where? What are the beliefs of
the group? What demands does it make on its
members? Refer to Chapter Three for additional
tips on how to determine if a group is trying to
control you. Appendix F has questions to
consider when evaluating a group. Also have some
friends or counselors evaluate the group before
you join it.
Avoid prayer groups and Bible study groups
that have bizarre ideas, follow charismatic
leaders, make demands on their members, are
unclear about the way they originated, or
persuade their members to conform to unusual
dietary, dress, or behavior patterns. A
supportive prayer group helps its members find
God in their own diversity. A cult-run group
persuades its members to conform to a lifestyle
and adopt someone else's ideas. If all the
loving, supportive, long-time members of a group
seem to be clones of each other in their ideas
and lifestyles, then you may be dealing with a
cult. Call some established religious groups in
your community and locate a more mainstream
prayer group to help you.
HELPING OTHERS
"No one is where they are by accident," one
member of the clergy said. You have a purpose in
life. You will slowly come to realize what it
is. Maybe no one else can do what you can do,
right now, right here.
Your own deepest hurts may make you more
sensitive to the pain others feel. Someday you
may be helping them.
You have talents and abilities you may not
recognize. Not everyone can do everything well,
but each of us can do some things better than
other people can. For example, a child who
consistently failed reading in school became a
success in life by using a talent in
construction to work for a contractor and the
government and to build the family's home. You
can use your talents to help yourself and
others.
Soon you will meet people who can use your
help. Some people will accept your advice and
help, while others won't. What's important is
that you have the inner peace and direction to
help. You have changed and grown.
Although Mercedes came from a loving family,
she was raised without values or direction. She
ran with a fast crowd, wondered who she was, and
even considered suicide. When she became
pregnant, she aborted her baby, whose existence
seemed as meaningless as her own. Now she felt
even worse.
Mercedes' friends didn't want to talk about
what was hurting her. Then she met John, who
regretted helping a girlfriend get an abortion.
Both uncomfortable with their friends, they
shared their thoughts and hurts with each other.
Together they continued a search for God that
John had begun. Was there meaning to existence?
Did an Objective Truth exist?
The two married and were struggling
financially when Mercedes became pregnant.
Delighted even though they were poor, they
continued to study various faiths, then joined a
religious group that they felt held the truth
they sought. A member of the clergy helped both
of them forgive themselves and experience God's
forgiveness, too.
Since both had been hurt by shallow friends
and by abortion, John and Mercedes decided to be
real friends to women in pregnancy crises and
help them have their babies. Soon others joined
them. Today this group helps many women. John's
and Mercedes' closeness to God, their family,
and others continues to be strong.
THE JOURNEY OF A LIFETIME
Living is a journey. The roads we choose now
lead to our future. However, a lifetime is not
long enough to "make it" to our destination of
total peace, happiness, and trust. We are always
in the process of learning more about ourselves,
of dealing more wisely with others, and of
trusting more deeply in God.
If you want peace and hope in your life, you
must start someplace. The suggestions in this
chapter will help you make a good beginning. By
using self-help groups, counselors, or religious
groups, and by working to think positively, you
will find your life slowly gaining direction and
purpose. No matter how troubled your past seems,
your future can be brighter if you look ahead
today. Put on a smile and get to work. All you
have to gain is a lifetime of joy!