SOLVING YOUR PROBLEMS--ONE AT A TIME
"Patience is both virtue and victory."
--M. P. N.
Throughout this book are examples of women
who became pregnant in situations that were less
than ideal. Each of these women experienced a
crisis pregnancy, one in which the mother
encountered some type of hardship and had to act
to resolve a problem. Uncertainty about what to
do plagued these mothers. Their names, and some
other details, have been changed to protect
their privacy. If someone you know was in a
situation similar to and has the same name as
somebody described in one of the stories, it is
purely coincidental. Every pregnant woman's
name, without exception, was changed in this
manuscript. However, if you are pregnant and are
reading this book to help yourself decide what
to do, you may be like at least one of the very
real women in these examples.
Maybe your situation is similar to
fifteen-year-old Sheila's. She wanted to have
her baby, but her parents insisted that she
abort.
Or perhaps you are like Jo, who, when she
became pregnant, was depressed, unwilling to
continue her education, jobless, and homeless.
Her college lover offered to pay for an
abortion.
Maybe you are recently married, like Lisa and
Tyrone, who were just barely making ends meet
when Lisa became pregnant unexpectedly.
Maybe you are a victim of rape, like Sarah. A
single women with a physical disability, Sarah
lived in a small town and became pregnant after
a married acquaintance raped her.
Perhaps you are in Dora's situation. When a
routine test indicated that Dora's baby was
mentally retarded, both she and her husband
agreed not to raise a child with special needs.
Or you may be an older mother like Mae, who
married at thirty-five and decided that she was
too old to be a parent. At age forty-five, she
discovered that her "menopause" was actually
pregnancy.
Your situation may differ from any of these.
Like you, all of these women were in a crisis.
And all gave birth to their babies. How did they
do it?
FOUR TRAITS FOR SUCCESS
Shelia, Jo, Lisa, Sarah, Dora, and Mae had
four common traits that helped them through
their pregnancies. These traits can be developed
in anyone, including you.
Like Yourself
Learn to like yourself! When you like
yourself, you'll like your baby, too. You'll
want to make plans to help you both. Sure, you
have room for improvement--we all do. But you
are still worthwhile. Why? Because you're you!
You want to give your baby a chance. Only
someone special can do that.
You can talk yourself into liking yourself.
Look in a mirror and say your name. Then add, "I
want to like myself. I will try to like myself.
I know that I am valuable. I like myself." If
you do this exercise often, you'll soon mean
what you say. Think positively about yourself.
If you have difficulty liking yourself, speak
to a friend, psychologist, counselor, or member
of the clergy. Talk about why you don't like
yourself. Ask your counselor to help you see the
good inside of you. You may need to heal some
wounds and get rid of guilts in order to like
yourself.
Face Up to Your Crisis Pregnancy
Make sure you're pregnant, following the
guidelines in Chapter Two. Denial is common in
pregnancy. If you are pregnant, admit it! Once
you admit to yourself that you are pregnant,
then admit that you can't run from your
situation. You can't go to a "crisis clinic" and
simply a crisis, no matter what your situation
is. You have to face and work through your
problems. Your pregnancy will end, with your
baby's birth or otherwise. This book will help
you end your crisis.
Discover the Real Problem
You see, pregnancy is not your real problem.
The real problem involves the circumstances and
people that make this pregnancy difficult.
For example, if you were healthy, happily
married, and financially secure, with a
supportive family and a healthy, planned baby
and no other difficulties in your life, your
pregnancy would not be a problem. You are
experiencing problems because your life differs
from this ideal picture. Ending your pregnancy
will not change the circumstances or the people
in your life. They will all exist whether you
are pregnant or not.
In order to solve your problems, you have to
see the "big picture." You'll either have to
change the circumstances and people that are
troubling you, or learn to deal with them.
Take One Knot at a Time
How will you solve your problems? The same
way you untangle a mass of yarn--one knot at a
time.
As much as we would like to have our futures
clearly mapped out, we must face each day as it
comes, with the problems and surprises it
brings. One problem faced, one problem
solved--one problem at a time.
Before your baby is born, you have months to
plan. This book will help you. Right now, why
not skim through this book? Skip the parts that
don't apply to you and concentrate on the ones
that do. You'll get ideas on how to handle your
crisis. Go back and reread the sections that
apply to you.
AND NOW YOU'VE BEGUN
Believe it or not, you've begun to deal with
your situation! You know you have difficulties.
You know you need help. Yes, some decisions will
be difficult, but you are trying to believe in
your ability to make them. You're beginning to
feel more confident about giving both yourself
and your baby a future that will make you proud.
BOTHERING WITH A PREGNANCY
"If you can't have Life as you want it,
want Life as it is."
--M. P. N.
A crisis pregnancy sometimes involves
feelings of guilt. It could be guilt about how
you got pregnant. About the poor timing of the
pregnancy. About wanting to give birth against
the advice of those around you. About angering
or disappointing someone. About not wanting to
raise a baby. You may feel guilty enough to
choose to have an abortion, even though you
don't really want one.
Pregnancy itself brings depression, because
rapid hormonal changes cause depression and mood
shifts in every pregnant woman. Any veteran
mother and/or seasoned obstetrician will tell
you that even in the most well-planned and
long-anticipated pregnancies, hormones wreck
havoc on a woman's emotions. The result is great
confusion in even the most dedicated mothers.
Luckily, this passes as the pregnancy
progresses. In a crisis pregnancy, the hormonal
influences are especially upsetting because your
crisis creates depression, too. You think
nothing will work out, so why try?
Guilt and depression are states of mind, not
flags signaling defeat. Yes, you have problems
and have made mistakes. Who hasn't? Let go of
guilt and depression. They will keep you from
making good plans for your baby's future.
PEOPLE WHO CREATE GUILT AND DEPRESSION
Avoid people who are especially good at
creating guilt and depression. These people
might make you feel guilty either for getting
pregnant or for wanting to give birth.
There are people who like to have complete
control--the planners. They believe that life
should be perfectly planned. They ignore the
reality that plans sometimes go astray. If
someone asks, "Was your pregnancy planned?"
reply, "That's a personal question." Some people
may think that you should abort a baby you
didn't plan on having. You may feel that your
baby deserves a birthday.
Sad sacks have the attitude that life is
always most unfair to them. They will see your
pregnancy only as a negative thing, a burden.
Don't listen to them. Planning and help can
lighten even the heaviest burden and turn your
baby's birth into a wonderful experience.
Authoritarians are overpowering and
manipulative, locked in a struggle for control.
These people may try to badger you into giving
birth to your baby. You might rebel and want to
choose abortion just to prove that you can
decide for yourself. Don't choose to have an
abortion that you don't want in order to
retaliate against authoritarians.
Fantasizers think that life should always
provide happiness. "Just get an abortion and
forget your pregnancy ever happened," they say.
Sometimes their advice sounds tempting.
Blacklisters think that you never do anything
right and that you care only about yourself. If
you listen to them, you might come to believe
this. "Maybe I am self-centered. I don't care
about my baby, so why give birth?" But you do
care. That's why you're reading this.
Sanctifiers view you as almost perfect.
You're trustworthy, dependable, kind, and
intelligent. Sanctifiers expect you to choose
abortion so you don't disappoint or worry
anyone. If you want to have your baby, an
abortion may disappoint and worry you. Put
yourself first for a change. Do what's best for
you.
WHOSE CHOICE?
Is abortion really your free choice, or are
you choosing it because you are influenced by
depression, guilt, or the reactions of others?
Will you choose abortion just to please someone
else? Soon you'll learn how to deal with your
feelings and with those of others. You'll be
able to make a firm plan for your pregnancy and
childbirth that others will learn to accept.
IF YOU NEVER WANTED A CHILD
Maybe you never wanted children. Now you're
pregnant, and you're really confused. You don't
want a child, but abortion makes you uneasy. You
don't really want that either.
Do you know why you don't want children?
Finding out will help you understand the
emotions you must work through in order to have
your baby.
Appendix D has a series of questions that
will help you discover why you don't want a
child. Answer these questions alone or with a
trained counselor. You may be surprised at what
you will learn about yourself.
What Is Your View of Children and Parenting?
Maybe you dislike or misunderstand children,
or expect too much of them. Perhaps you can't
visualize yourself as a parent or don't want to
parent. In order to have your baby, you might
need accurate information on childbearing and
parenting. Perhaps you have to heal the angry,
frightened child who still lives in your memory.
Upon their marriage, Rebecca and Craddock
figured that they would be able to overcome
their unhappy childhoods and poverty if they
worked hard and remained childless. After trying
unsuccessfully to end a late-in-life pregnancy,
they came to love their daughter Karen and gave
her many opportunities to become a teacher,
lecturer, and world traveler. Karen cared for
both her parents when they became terminally
ill. During that time, Rebecca apologized for
not being able to show her daughter more love.
Yet Karen had learned love. Those who knew her
said she blended compassion and humor in dealing
with her students.
What Is Your View of Men and Women?
You have a certain view of men. You may feel
that men will find you unattractive if you're
pregnant. Or perhaps you believe that men have
used pregnancy as an excuse to keep women in
secondary roles. You may reject your pregnancy
because you think it could be a negative
influence on your love or work relationships
with men.
You also have a certain view of yourself as a
woman. In a way, it might be said that rejecting
pregnancy is denying your biology, your
womanhood. Maybe you think that being pregnant
means being weak, but that's not true. Going
through a pregnancy, especially a crisis
pregnancy, taking charge, and making decisions
may require that you be the strongest you have
ever been.
Perhaps you, like fashion designer Yolanda,
want to be totally free to pursue your chosen
lifestyle. Like her, you may feel that a woman
can find fulfillment without raising children.
That's why Yolanda and her husband felt
perfectly comfortable continuing their careers
throughout Yolanda's two pregnancies and then
making adoption plans for their two children.
In order to give birth, you need to know just
how you view men and women. Are your views
valid? How can you give birth and still maintain
the views you hold?
What Is Your View of Change?
Being pregnant definitely means facing
changes in your body, physical activities, and
plans. In addition, you will try to imagine how
your life will change if you parent your baby or
if you make an adoption plan.
The only thing constant about life is change!
Yet many people fear change. The fear of
change can cripple you. You may be tempted to
end your pregnancy so that you don't have to
face the changes pregnancy will bring.
How do you see change--as a challenge or as a
threat? What changes necessitated by your
pregnancy are you dreading? Try to view change
as a chance to improve yourself and expand your
experience. Change can be good!
Hannah and her husband are both blind. After
being told that Hannah could not get pregnant,
the couple became foster parents to children
with disabilities and adopted a few of them.
When Hannah became pregnant, she was so afraid
she'd love her adopted children less that she
didn't want her baby.
After much emotional turmoil and a difficult
pregnancy, Hannah gave birth to a blind, gifted
daughter whose deafness disappeared without
treatment. Hannah soon realized that she had
enough love for all of her children--her adopted
children and her newly born daughter.
ENDING A PREGNANCY
Pressure to end a pregnancy can come from
others or from mixed emotions within yourself.
It's tempting to "end it all" quickly, before
you change your mind. But these nine months of
pregnancy are less than 1 percent of the average
lifetime. It is possible that you may never be
pregnant again.
Sometimes ending a pregnancy might seem as
simple and quick as removing a thorn. Is it?
Because you are pregnant, your body feels
different. Your mind knows that a new life is
beginning, even if you don't like to think about
it. You'll remember your trip to the abortion
clinic, the procedure itself, and the sensations
you feel afterwards as your body returns to its
nonpregnant state. You'll also remember the
obstetrician-gynecologist who gives you a
follow-up exam to make sure that no problems or
infections resulted from the abortion.
If you're like most post-abortal women,
you'll start to notice pregnant women and babies
and recall your abortion sequence. Often, ending
a pregnancy leaves many memories. Sometimes, it
can leave emotional scars.
If you don't really want an abortion,
reaffirm your decision to have your baby. Life
is not always the way we want it to be.
Sometimes we have to accept life the way it is.
Accepting your pregnancy is a beginning toward
making your life all it can be.